Defenestrating Thoughts from the Bivouac

So I never get what I want for the Super Bowl: looking at my wishes last year, I went 0 for 3. I’d like this year to be better, but I’m not that confident.

We’re having a small Super Bowl get-together this year; turns out, no one coming actually likes football. So we’re planning to have lots of food, games to play, and craft projects to enjoy. And there will be a football game on, probably with the sound turned down. :-)

My wish for this Super Bowl is that both teams lose. Lose badly. (Yes, I’m setting myself up for failure.) If the cheater Patriots win, it’s just sad since it shows that bad guys finish first, and the NFL is truly about the bottom line and not the art of sport. If the Giants and Eli Manning win, the next 50 years of commercials will have one or both of the Manning brothers in it. Yuck.

Like most of our parties, the Evite was ridiculously long and may have contained humor-like substances. The Evite was sent at the start of the playoffs a month ago and I started by explaining how we should root for:

Who are we rooting for?
We don’t know who is playing yet, so here is the plan:
1) Root for Brett Favre (and the Green Bay Packers) because he’s one of the few true gentlemen in sports.
2) If Favre doesn’t make it, root for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Note: These are pretty important rules. Even if the Steelers are playing against Team God, I expect you to root for the Steelers.
Note: If both the Packers and Steelers make it to the Super Bowl, Vijay will likely develop a split-personality disorder from having to root for both teams.
3) Root against the Patriots - because they are cheaters and whiners
4) Root against Peyton Manning - because if he wins, there will be even more commercials with him and that will likely cause a cosmic imbalance that will destroy the universe
Note: These are extremely important rules. Root against the Patriots and Peyton Manning even if they are playing Satan.
5) Else… I’ll come up with something.

Of course, the “something” is “let’s hope that both teams lose”.

Also, our Evites have discussion topics. These lists are mocking the “Table Topics” product (little cards with questions to get the conversation started). Honestly, what happened to our society when we can’t even have pleasant discourse without “conversation starters”. Here’s a conversation starter: “If you have this product, you’re an idiot. Discuss.”

Anyway, here’s the list for the Super Bowl:

1) For Team God, everyone agrees that Vishnu should be playing quarterback, but do you agree with Jesus taking Moses’ place as running back?
2) Isn’t Ganesha the best offensive linemen ever?
3) Who would coach Team God? I personally nominate Richard Dawkins.
4) How can the halftime show previews/ads look so much like the “live event” which hasn’t happened yet?
5) Is football more militaristic then baseball? Would you agree that football is a game that is reflective of a post-industrialization society and baseball is reflective of a time before the industrial revolution?
6) A lot of religions have the concept of a large never ending cycle (e.g. “all this has happened before and will happen again”). So, could someone look up who is going to win the game?
7) What does a vegetarian cocktail wiener dipped in nacho cheese taste like?
8) If Vijay does develop a split personality from rooting for two teams, what should his other self’s name be?
9) Can Vijay’s other self also have FDIC deposit at the same institution as Vijay?
10) What do the Big 12, gun racks, Missouri, Oklahoma, and Little 12 have to do with this party? (Note: this is a reference to one of our other parties)
Bonus question: What if we pronounced it “Pooper Bowl”?
Second Bonus Question: What do they serve at that event?

Lastly, everyone needs to agree to boycott companies with bad commercials for at least one month. I hope Microsoft has a bad commercial; that way most of our guests can’t go to work. :-)