Defenestrating Thoughts from the Bivouac

Dave Barry writes an annual “Year in Review”. I thought 2008’s review was amazing, but 2009’s review managed to top it. It starts with this:

It was also a year of Change, especially in Washington, where the tired old hacks of yesteryear finally yielded the reins of power to a group of fresh, young, idealistic, new-idea outsiders such as Nancy Pelosi. As a result Washington, rejecting “business as usual,” finally stopped trying to solve every problem by throwing billions of taxpayer dollars at it and instead started trying to solve every problem by throwing trillions of taxpayer dollars at it.

And then:

In an alarming technological development, hackers shut down Twitter, leaving a desperate and suddenly vulnerable America with no way to find out what the Kardashian sisters are having for lunch. The Federal Emergency Management Agency urges the nation to “remain calm” and “use Facebook if you can.”

And finally my favorite:

Also, as the year draws to a close, the Centers for Disease Control releases an urgent bulletin warning of a new, fast-spreading epidemic consisting of severe, and in some cases life-threatening, arm infections caused by “people constantly sneezing into their elbow pits.”

It’s well worth the time to read the whole thing. :-)

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0on29a9kvlA)

Sadly, I had a manager who kept calling me “Raj”, which, of course, was the name of the other Indian guy on the team. One day, he asked, “Do you have a nickname?”. I believe my answer was, “You mean a short version of ‘Vijay’? Is two syllables too many for you to remember?”

I left that team as soon as I could.

Once again, the most insightful commentary and analysis of our world comes from our comedians.

You have to watch it; it’ll make you laugh really hard… and then it may make you cry since it’s all so true.

In the past we’ve discussed a number of non-traditional economic indicators:

• The relative density of new cars at dealerships
• The fullness of the Whole Foods parking lot vs the Walmart parking lot
• The total number of Priuses in the Walmart parking lot
• The amount of Whole Foods coupons in circulation
• The amount of men who can no longer afford their trophy wives
• The tough times for girlfriends of investment bankers

A new indicator I’ve been watching is the “restaurant deals” indicator. We all know about Chili’s and Applebee’s “2 for $20″ deals, where you get an appetizer, 2 entrees, and a dessert for $20. And, of course, there’s PF Changs’ 4-course dinner for two for $39.95.

But the one that surprised me was my local Melting Pot’s deal: a four course meal for two for $55. It’s normally $72, which is a discount of 25%!

While good restaurant deals are fun, a number of people pointed me to my new favorite economic indicator: the “Hot Waitress” indicator:

The hotter the waitresses, the weaker the economy. In flush times, there is a robust market for hotness. Selling everything from condos to premium vodka is enhanced by proximity to pretty young people (of both sexes) who get paid for providing this service. That leaves more-punishing work, like waiting tables, to those with less striking genetic gifts. (Source)

So the better looking your waitress (or waiter), the worse the economy. And sometime in the future, when your modelesque waitress is replaced by a fat bald guy, don’t feel bad. It means the recession is over!

Best of all, knowledge of this indicator gives you something to say when your wife says, “Were you looking at her?!??”

You’ll be fine if you just reply, “I’m just collecting another data point for my market analysis. Looks like we should short the general index and move some more money into our high dividend international infrastructure holdings*.”

(* Note: this doesn’t actually work. It usually just makes things worse.)

This just cracks me up:

(Source)

(Source)

This is a pretty good explanation of why the economy is in bad shape; as a society we forgot that debt isn’t wealth. You have to pay back loans at some point.

Also, it sort of seems like most of the numbers are too optimistic. Given how much real estate and stock prices have dropped, I would think that the average “person on the street” owes a lot more than this.

(Source: Dilbert.com)

A month ago I wrote about how the recession was resulting in rich men losing their trophy wives, and now I’ve learned that life is also really tough for girls that date investment bankers:

Once it was seen as a blessing in certain circles to have a wealthy, powerful partner who would leave you alone with the credit card while he was busy brokering deals. Now, many Wall Street wives, girlfriends and, increasingly, exes, are living the curse of cutbacks in nanny hours and reservations at Masa or Megu. And that credit card? Canceled.

Fortunately though, these women aren’t just in it for the money, right?

Dawn Spinner Davis, 26, a beauty writer, said the downward-trending graphs began to make sense when the man she married on Nov. 1, a 28-year-old private wealth manager, stopped playing golf, once his passion. One of his best friends told me that my job is now to keep him calm and keep him from dying at the age of 35, Ms. Davis said. ‘It’s not what I signed up for.’

So I guess she signed up for just the “for better” part of “for better or for worse”.

Keep in mind, it’s also bad if you’re the girl on the side:

One such mistress wrote on the blog that when she pouted about not having been taken on a trip lately, her married man explained that with money so tight, his wife had taken to checking up on his accounts.

After reading the article, be sure to check out the blog that a group of these girls started. It’s hilarious.

Ignoring whatever merits these women may have, they seem to be, um, evil. Which, of course, makes them a perfect match for their banker boyfriends and husbands. :-)

I recently read Dave Barry’s Year in Review and I’m still laughing. It is extremely funny and you should read it in its entirety as Barry recaps the 12 months of 2008. Here are some of my favorite parts (one for each month):

• January – “In what some economists see as a troubling sign, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac invest $12.7 billion in Powerball tickets.”

• February – “. . . when, amid much fanfare, Congress passes, and President Bush signs, an ”economic stimulus package” under which the federal government will give taxpayers back several hundred dollars apiece of their own money, the idea being that they will use this money to revive the U.S. economy by buying TV sets that were made in China. This will seem much more comical in the fall.”

• March – “In politics, Barack Obama addresses the issue of why, in his 20 years of membership in Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, he failed to notice that the pastor, Jeremiah Wright, is a racist lunatic. In a major televised address widely hailed for its brilliance, Obama explains that . . . OK, nobody really remembers what the actual explanation was. But everybody agrees it was mesmerizing.”

• “April -The economic news is also gloomy for the U.S. automotive industry, where General Motors, in a legally questionable move aimed at boosting its sagging car sales, comes out with a new model called ‘The Chevrolet Toyota.’”

• May – “In sports, both the Kentucky Derby and the Indianapolis 500 are won by Usain Bolt.”

• June – “Tiger Woods, in an epic performance, wins the U.S. Open playing on an injured and very painful knee, thereby proving, beyond all doubt, that golf is not a real sport.”

• July – “Speaking of trouble, the economic news continues to worsen with the discovery that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have sent $87 billion to a Nigerian businessman with a compelling e-mail story.”

• August – “Elsewhere abroad, war breaks out between Russia and Georgia over South Ossetia and Abkhazia, serving as a stark reminder that, in an increasingly uncertain world, we, as Americans, have no idea where these places are.”

• September – “But that is not enough, as major financial institutions, having lost hundreds of billions of dollars thanks to years of engaging in practices ranging from questionable to moronic, begin failing, which gives the federal government an idea: Why not give these institutions MORE hundreds of billions of dollars, generously provided by taxpayers?”

• October – “Obama, ahead of McCain by double digits in the polls and several hundred million dollars in money, skips the debates so he can work on his inaugural address. The New York Times declares his performance ‘masterful.””

• November – “As it becomes increasingly clear that the federal government’s plan of giving hundreds of billions of dollars to dysfunctional companies has not fixed the problem, the government comes up with a bold new plan: give more hundreds of billions of dollars to dysfunctional companies”

• December – “President-elect Obama, continuing to bring change in the form of fresh-faced Washington outsiders, announces that his secretary of state will be Hillary Clinton. The position of secretary of defense, currently held by Bush appointee Robert Gates, will be filled by Bush appointee Robert Gates.”

(Source)