Defenestrating Thoughts from the Bivouac

I recently read Dave Barry’s Year in Review and I’m still laughing. It is extremely funny and you should read it in its entirety as Barry recaps the 12 months of 2008. Here are some of my favorite parts (one for each month):

• January – “In what some economists see as a troubling sign, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac invest $12.7 billion in Powerball tickets.”

• February – “. . . when, amid much fanfare, Congress passes, and President Bush signs, an ”economic stimulus package” under which the federal government will give taxpayers back several hundred dollars apiece of their own money, the idea being that they will use this money to revive the U.S. economy by buying TV sets that were made in China. This will seem much more comical in the fall.”

• March – “In politics, Barack Obama addresses the issue of why, in his 20 years of membership in Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, he failed to notice that the pastor, Jeremiah Wright, is a racist lunatic. In a major televised address widely hailed for its brilliance, Obama explains that . . . OK, nobody really remembers what the actual explanation was. But everybody agrees it was mesmerizing.”

• “April -The economic news is also gloomy for the U.S. automotive industry, where General Motors, in a legally questionable move aimed at boosting its sagging car sales, comes out with a new model called ‘The Chevrolet Toyota.’”

• May – “In sports, both the Kentucky Derby and the Indianapolis 500 are won by Usain Bolt.”

• June – “Tiger Woods, in an epic performance, wins the U.S. Open playing on an injured and very painful knee, thereby proving, beyond all doubt, that golf is not a real sport.”

• July – “Speaking of trouble, the economic news continues to worsen with the discovery that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have sent $87 billion to a Nigerian businessman with a compelling e-mail story.”

• August – “Elsewhere abroad, war breaks out between Russia and Georgia over South Ossetia and Abkhazia, serving as a stark reminder that, in an increasingly uncertain world, we, as Americans, have no idea where these places are.”

• September – “But that is not enough, as major financial institutions, having lost hundreds of billions of dollars thanks to years of engaging in practices ranging from questionable to moronic, begin failing, which gives the federal government an idea: Why not give these institutions MORE hundreds of billions of dollars, generously provided by taxpayers?”

• October – “Obama, ahead of McCain by double digits in the polls and several hundred million dollars in money, skips the debates so he can work on his inaugural address. The New York Times declares his performance ‘masterful.””

• November – “As it becomes increasingly clear that the federal government’s plan of giving hundreds of billions of dollars to dysfunctional companies has not fixed the problem, the government comes up with a bold new plan: give more hundreds of billions of dollars to dysfunctional companies”

• December – “President-elect Obama, continuing to bring change in the form of fresh-faced Washington outsiders, announces that his secretary of state will be Hillary Clinton. The position of secretary of defense, currently held by Bush appointee Robert Gates, will be filled by Bush appointee Robert Gates.”

(Source)

Well, that title isn’t really true. But it sort of is. Read on for details. :-)

I found a hilarious article on The Onion titled “American Airlines Now Charging Fees To Non-Passengers” (this is a satirical newspaper):

Cash-strapped American Airlines announced a new series of fees this week that will apply to all customers not currently flying, scheduled to fly, or even thinking about flying aboard the commercial carrier.

The fees, the latest introduced by American Airlines in a continuing effort to combat its financial woes, will take effect on Monday. According to company officials, these charges will include a $25 tax on citizens traveling with any other airline, as well as a mandatory $30 surcharge for passengers who decide to just stay home for the holidays instead.

…

Arpey said that non-passengers of American Airlines should expect to pay a small fee when making Greyhound bus reservations, choosing to drive to their final destination, or simply being a citizen of the United States with a valid Social Security number.

Obviously this couldn’t happen; companies can’t randomly charge non-customers. The whole idea is silly.

Or is it?

Sadly, this happened already. Back in 2002, airlines were hurting and every American paid a $50 fee through a $15 billion bailout package. Didn’t matter if you were a customer or a non-customer, you had to pay the fee.

And, of course, since it was the government managing the money, the whole thing was pork filled:

$20 million was shoveled to three bankrupt airlines like Vanguard, Midway, and Reliant. Nearly $165 million went to package-delivery companies. Another $5 million went to helicopter companies that, among other things, ferry workers to oilrigs and run tours to the Grand Canyon. Even three companies that arrange travel from the U.S. to Cuba cashed in.

So from now on, instead of calling it a “automaker bailout”, I’m going to call it, “letting Ford charge non-customers”. :-P

About a year ago I borrowed Debt is Slavery, by Michael Mihalik, from the library. It’s a very short book (about 100 pages long) that discusses consumer debt.

Since it’s aimed at beginners, it doesn’t contain much in-depth knowledge. While it may be useful for people without any financial knowledge, it doesn’t have much original material.

As you might expect, the book explains how debt can be good: to buy income-producing property or to pay for an education. And it also covers when debt can be bad: to let you live outside your means.

The book contains warnings about the “Great Marketing Machine”, so you can understand where shopping impulses come from and fight them. It also presents a simple plan to paying off those credit cards.

There was one part of the introduction that I did like. Mihalik mentions that when you seek advice you should ask yourself two questions:

1. Has the person practiced what they preach?
2. Do they have your best interests at heart?

Nothing earth-shattering, but you’d be surprised how many people don’t do this.

In summary, Debt is Slavery is quick read for people with very little financial acumen. The only original thing in the book is the attention grabbing title. I would venture a guess that without the title, the book wouldn’t have ever been published.

The best advice I’ve found on this topic is Saturday Night Live’s sketch entitled, “Don’t buy stuff you cannot afford.” Enjoy!

I love The Onion; it’s some of the best satire:

(Source)

(via Jon)

Just the other day I said the same thing to a ruler. :-)

My blogging program, WordPress, added a nice Flash based uploader (multi-select and progress bars!), and I needed an excuse to try it out.

So, here are some of the more amusing cartoons and pictures I’ve seen about the bailout:

(from http://www.investors.com/)

(from the Chattanooga Times Free Press)

(via a different Vijay)

Since yesterday, things have shifted a bit. My Google clothing outflanked my Microsoft clothing, so it’s no longer surrounded.

Instead, I’m wearing a Google t-shirt under a Microsoft sweater vest under a Microsoft jacket.

I need to start wearing my free hats to shake things up a bit. :-)

No, it’s not that I’m wearing clashing colors.

Rather, I’m wearing a t-shirt that Microsoft gave me, under a sweater that Google gave me, under a jacket that Microsoft gave me.

Hee hee! :-)

I really like drinking soda, but I’ve basically stopped drinking it for a couple of reasons: (1) I’m trying to lose weight and (2) I’m trying to avoid High Fructose Corn Syrup.

High Fructose Corn Syrup is used in most foods in America as a sweetener because corn subsidies and sugar tariffs make it cheaper to process corn to make sugar rather than just using sugar.

Since other countries don’t have these tariffs and subsidies, their food has real sugar. And so their food tastes better.

While I was living in Seattle, a friend of mine offered to pick up some pure sugar soda for me while he was in Canada. We texted throughout the day and the conversation went a little like this:

Friend: “In Vancouver, did you want some coke?”

Me: “Heck yeah, I’m sick of what passes for coke in this country.”

Friend: “How much do you want?”

Me: “Um… I don’t want to bother finding other people that want some, just bring enough back for me.”

Friend: “12?”

Me: “Make it 24″

<some time passes>

Friend: “Done. I got your coke in my car”

Me: “Sweet. I can’t wait. I missed the good stuff.”

Friend: “Yeah.. the Mexican stuff is pure too.”

Me: “Yeah, my favorite is in India, it’s as pure as you can get.

<some time passes>

Friend: “I got your stuff past the border guard. Those guys didn’t even have me open the trunk.”

Me: “Yeah you could probably smuggle anything across that border.”

Friend: “Yeah”

<some time passes>

Friend: “OK, you coke is in Redmond, want to come get it?”

Me: “Heck yeah, I can’t wait for it. Party tonight!”

Luckily the FBI agent reading my text message conversation was smart and figured out what we were really talking about.

But still whenever I think of that conversation, I think how lucky I am not to be a prisoner in Guantamo right now. :-)